Summer 2024 Press Statement

doing it scared

I’m adding hotel lounges to my list of best places to write. Especially early in the morning or late at night. There’s something about the ambience - the smell of belgian waffles and brewed coffee, the distant chatter of tourist families in the background, all of that combined just makes for a great “zone” to write, and that’s rare to find these days, with how short and sparse my attention span has become (thank you tiktok). 

anyways. 

If it isn’t already obvious, I'm not home right now. I'm in Washington DC! For less than 24 hours, and not for fun - but because my little brother needs to take his SAT. Yes, you read that right. So I’m sitting here in the lobby, drinking my watered down iced maple latte from a coffee shop a block away, waiting for him to finish his standardized test so that we can go sightseeing. 

I love walkable cities. I woke up a little earlier than the rest of my family and walked all along the harbor, passing runners with arm bands and dogs on leashes. A bridge with white wavy sides lined my vision, kayaks and boats were docked on the water, and people milled about in coffee shops and tiny outdoor patios. Over the past few years in college, I've gotten used to walking to places or taking public transportation as opposed to taking a car. 

The day awaits. I’m a little tired because I woke up early and walked around for an hour, and now we’re discussing what to do next while my little brother is in a classroom somewhere, nervously taking an exam. We arrived last night and got dinner at a small fried chicken spot. Huddled around a tiny table with plates and napkins scattered everywhere, sharing multiple dishes and talking over one another while telling stories, I imagined myself in the worlds of the people around me. The group of coworkers talking loudly about their alma mater at the long table in the center. A couple sharing a plate and laughing by the window. I imagined myself living in the apartment across from the diner, walking along the harbor in the morning before work at my imaginary job. It’s so easy to insert yourself in other stories when you’re elsewhere. Strange, how that happens. Even stranger is how comforting it feels in the moment until you realize you want nothing more than to go home. 

I have nothing to do today - and by that I mean tasks, things that I need to complete before the day ends. And that feels weird. This whole summer has felt weird because of that. Days mindlessly passing by, blurring into one another with little to do and so much time to think. Too much, if you ask me. I felt self conscious because I didn’t have anything to post, to show for yet another year in pursuit of a perfect summer. I caught up on sleep, got sick on my birthday (and for the subsequent two weeks), got amazing news, took some summer classes, and stayed at home most of the time. It felt odd leaving the house again when I did, like I was stepping back into shoes that became too tight for me. I slowly started to realize that some of the things that I once wanted, I no longer did anymore and that terrified me. 

The growing pains really came for me this time around. I found my priorities rapidly changing as I began looking ahead nervously rather than looking back wistfully. I used to recycle the past over and over again, turn it over in my mind until it was no longer discernible. This is how I found myself spending my days before I realized how much time I was burning up, longing for something that didn’t really exist.

I’m being very vague right now but that’s also my prerogative. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, dreams change, priorities change, and sometimes it takes months, maybe even years, before you finally understand a hard lesson you’ve been getting handed to you over and over again. A part of growing up is constantly having to make small talk with others on your life updates, and not having anything to show for it can be painful. So when you do get that first bit of good news, that tiny glimmer of hope, it becomes unbelievably easy to want to smear it all over the Internet, for some form of validation you’ve been missing out on. Where are you working? Do you like your internship? Do you like your job? Are you seeing anyone? Are you moving somewhere? Do you like your life?  And I know this kind of small talk is with no malicious intent, it’s just a part of conversation. But you feel especially hyper aware of it when you’re changing course a million times, previous plans flying out the window and new ones being hastily written. Everyone tells you that taking time off to heal is necessary, but no one tells you how utterly, excruciatingly, unenjoyable it can be at times. 

If you’re anything like me - you also cringe when you look back on visible efforts you made to be someone you’re not. Like, why did I try so hard to fit into that friend group that clearly didn’t care about me? Why did I stop doing things that I loved so much, like reading and writing, just to be seen somewhere? Why did I give up on a dream that I had for so long when it was very well within my reach if I just tried? These questions plagued me for the longest time, in the heat waves of June, the boredom of July, and the anxiety of August. Through all of these past few weeks, I’ve looked over the history of my life, of my last three years in college, and wondered to myself, honestly - what on Earth was I doing? 

My older brother once told me, “you don’t have to have your life figured out, but you do need to be taking your life seriously.” My life, this one precious, unique thing that belongs to me, that I get to experience every day. To lose sight of that for so long can make any person act in ways they normally wouldn’t. And this is not a self optimization newsletter, so I’m not going to go that route. But I will say that treating my life as this precious thing and my days as such rather than wasting copious amounts of time wondering what could have been has helped me in ways I couldn’t possibly even imagine. It has actively rewired my brain to want to feel good, and to want that for myself so much that I’m willing to change the way I do things. And I know this isn’t breaking news, but sometimes it takes a whole lot to learn the obvious. 

So this is my Summer 2024 press statement. I’m finishing this up on the drive back from DC, a little carsick, a little thirsty, but mostly happy and so ready to take a nap. If you are reading this and you are nervous for what’s to come, or scared, or you really just have no idea, I am here to tell you that if it gets worse before it gets better do not be alarmed!! Priorities change, dreams change, the people that you care about change. And for me, this summer was about deciding what should stay and what should go, so that I can make room for other beautiful things in my life. This summer was also summer classes, blueberry matcha, Love Island, the new Gracie Abrams album, and practicing driving with my dad so that I don’t freak out in bumper to bumper traffic. If your summer looked anything like this and not laying on a beach on a tropical island somewhere, I hope this press statement finds you well, finds you where you are, and finds you where you’re going to be.