breaking up with college

Today is May 4th, the day that I write this, and I’m already feeling the post-grad scaries. I officially graduate on May 15th. I’m taking summer classes though, so I’m technically not done with my degree, but I'm very close. How do I feel about it? I’m not so sure. There’s a sense of peace in knowing that I’m leaving behind an institution that I quite frankly dreaded going to for the better part of four years, but there’s also an ache. I didn’t expect to feel this ache, because I thought the sadness would never come, but it’s there, pulsing beneath the surface. There’s the understanding that maybe it all could’ve looked so different if I had made different decisions, and then the very few things I’ll miss dearly — late nights in my best friend’s apartment, the empty campus on my morning walk to an 8am, living in a high-rise apartment and waking up early to go to the coffee shop next to the train station, fooling around with my friends for hours in the library, memories from different clubs I’ve been a part of, all of the people I’ve had the privilege of knowing and loving over the course of my college career. It definitely wasn't all bad, I guess it just feels that way sometimes. The heaviness carries on and the joy is fleeting, and I’m trying my hardest to reverse those roles moving forward. 

I’ve had the privilege of working in New York City all of my senior year of college, a transformative experience that changed the way I viewed myself and my future. They weren’t kidding when they said it only takes one “yes” to change everything. I went from long days spent scrolling on my phone at home to juggling classes and early morning bus rides into the city. I became familiar with a routine of walking up to the bus stop, listening to NPR’s “Up First” podcast, getting into the city, walking fifteen minutes to a nearby coffee shop and grabbing a warm chocolate chip cookie, heading into the office and walking to get coffee with my team, catching up and talking about pop culture before getting started in the day’s work. And then the walk back to the bus stop at 5pm in midtown Manhattan’s crowded streets, leaning my head against the bus window, the relief of a home cooked meal afterwards. I loved this routine, I cherished this routine. In many ways, it saved my life. To have something to look forward to, a consistent set of motions where everything felt predictable amidst the unpredictability of the world of news. I’m sad to be leaving it, knowing that it was worth it the whole time.

My senior year of college was also a quiet one. All of my close friends graduated, so I started off this year feeling like a part of me left with them. Your environment changes everything, and not having my support system around me on campus made me dread going there everyday. I was lucky enough to be able to commute, so I wasn’t “in college” 24/7, and I’ll admit, I wish I got the traditional college experience of my dreams. I grapple with this loss and the grief of knowing I only got to live these four years once and maybe it feels like I did it all wrong. My friends try to tell me that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter, and I know they’re right. The years of being 18-21 can be brutal and confusing and embarrassing and you’re so fresh faced and young that you’re bound to make mistakes. I’m turning 22 in a few months. I’m sure I will make many more mistakes but I’m content with being out of the structure of college, where I felt trapped. People make “post-grad” out to be so scary, but surprisingly, I don’t think that way. I look forward to my days belonging to me, working a big-girl job, earning my own money, traveling, and making time for people I love. Of course, nothing will compare to being 19 in an apartment with my best friends, drinking hot chocolate and debriefing the events of the week, but maybe it’s not about comparison at all. It's a different chapter of life altogether, and one that I hope to grow in and appreciate. 

I normally try to think about what’s next and am constantly anxious about the future. For now though, as cheesy as it sounds, I really am just trying to stay present. Each day means something to me in its entirety, it’s not just a bridge to what’s next. I’ll report back after graduation! As always, thank you for reading.

With love,

Umme